I'm pregnant. I'll be 16 weeks tomorrow. Why has it taken me so long to post the news on my blog? Because I'm not super excited about bring pregnant. I have debated whether or not to post anything about my lack of excitement for a while. I obviously decided to take the leap. Why are we as a society always so worried that we will be looked down upon if we have feelings contrary to what everyone else
thinks we should have. So worried everyone will know we are not
perfect? Here's to a 100% honest post.
This pregnancy was a HUGE surprise. Shock really.
The following is my journal entry from the day after I found out I was expecting.
"Yesterday morning I took a pregnancy test. It came back positive. I am still not sure how I feel about that. Overwhelmed probably. Let me back up a bit...my cycles have been really off. Before we got pregnant with Shiloh is when it all started. The in between each cycle time was what was really long. One time over ten weeks in between, long. I also think that somewhere in there the day in which I ovulate changed. Shiloh's pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, but that's OK. We love her and are so happy, overjoyed really to have her in our family. So since before Shiloh came a long, I have been overly paranoid about becoming pregnant because of the long time and differing times between each cycle. So in the last few years, I have taken several pregnancy tests, all coming up negative. But if you would have asked me just moments earlier, I would have told you each one was going to be positive. Why? Because I had psyched myself into believing I was having all the typical pregnancy symptoms.
This time was different though. I WAS having some of the early signs. Enhanced "smell power", nauseousness, increased hunger, the need to pee all the time. But the difference was, I ignored them all, pushed them off, made up some reason why "that" wasn't why. It really shouldn't have been such a surprise to me, but it was. I took the test first thing in the morning. Jeff was already at work and wouldn't be home for another 8 hours. I didn't want to tell him over the phone, as I knew he would be just as surprised. So I waited. I worried. I repeated in my head, "I can't believe I'm pregnant" over and over and over and over again. Probably 50 times throughout the day. I tried my best to "act normal" in front of the kids. It wasn't hard though, they are so happy in their kids kind of life that they didn't seem to notice that I was a complete wreck inside.
When Jeff got home, my plan was to follow him upstairs while he changed out of his scrubs. When he got home, I was sitting on the floor, in front of a window, using the natural light to mend Cooper's coat that had torn in the washer the day before. Instead of going upstairs, Jeff came to sit by me on the ottoman. He asked me how my day was. I said, "fine. Then, because I couldn't wait to tell him like I planned, I said, "Guess what I found out today?" "What" he said. "No", I said, "You have guess". I think it was the first thing, maybe the second, but he guessed right. As soon as he said it, I felt the tears well up. Tears I guess of shock, overwhelming shock, and the realization that I really was pregnant.
Hearing Jeff say it was hard. I muttered, "Yup" as I fought back the tears. I didn't take my eyes off my mending job for fear that Jeff was really excited. If so, I didn't want him to know I wasn't feeling the same way. He heard the trembling in my "Yup" and knew how I was feeling. Jeff was surprised and shocked, but not as shocked as me.
The rest of the evening we joked about it. Said things like, "Well at least we already have a van, we won't have to get a bigger vehicle". Those "jokes" kinda helped. The thing that helped the most was Jeff listening to me, to my fears, to my worries. He never got mad at me, or blamed this unexpected pregnancy on me. He reassured me that everything would be OK because we would get through this together. This is just one example of why I love him.
Last night was a really fit-full night of sleep for me. Normally, I go to sleep and do not wake until the morning. Not last night. I woke several times, would come to, say in my head "I can't believe I'm pregnant", then fall back to sleep for an hour or so. Repeat process.
Today has been a bit better. The day has been filled with things to do, and places to go, as it is Christmas Eve. I haven't had as much free time to dwell on the shock of it all. I know the shock will wear off. The realization will continue to come. Shock will be replaced with acceptance. Acceptance will be replaced with joy and love for this new little person.
I will get there as I learn to accept that even though I had a plan, AND I AM A PLANNER, AND THIS WAS NOT MY PLAN, AND MY PLAN WAS IMPORTANT TO ME. My Heavenly Father (obviously) had a different plan for me and our family. He is all powerful. He loves me. He knows me by name. He knows what is best for me. He wants the best for me.
So, if baby #4, you are reading this, know that
I do love you, just like your Heavenly Father loves you. It just took me a while to get over the shock of your upcoming arrival."
*End journal entry.
I went in for my first OB appointment at 10 weeks. I think that is
when the acceptance started to take over some of the shock. The nurse
could obviously tell I was still in shock though. She asked me if this
was a planned pregnancy. (I've never had them ask me that before.) I
said, "no". She then asked me if I planned on going through with the
pregnancy. Shocked she would ask, I said, "ummm yes". That question
bothered me. I know that is probably just their protocol when they know a
pregnancy was not planned, but it still bothered me. Why would they
suggest I kill my baby by ending the pregnancy?
A few
days later one of the nurses called to say my progesterone was low and
that a prescription was being called in for me for a progesterone
supplement. Knowing that low progesterone can cause miscarriage, for a
split second I thought about not taking the supplement. That is hard for
me to admit. But hey, I'm being 100% honest here. As soon as I thought
it, I felt really bad and realized I needed to change my mental attitude
about my current situation.
A few days after beginning
the progesterone supplement I began to feel really dizzy all the time,
and I was even more tired than I have ever been before. I slept 10-12
hours a night and tried to take a nap everyday. And I was still really
tired. The two side effects were, dizziness and drowsiness. Yeah for me!
Around this time too, is when I began puking. Yup, at 11 weeks, when
most are looking forward to feeling better soon, I was feeling worse
than ever before.
At 14 weeks I went back in to my OB
for another check up. I mentioned the progesterone supplement and asked
how much longer I needed to take that. I wish I had my camera handy. The
look on my Dr.'s face was priceless. As soon as he began to respond, I
could tell he felt really bad. He said I could have stopped taking that
at 12 weeks and that he knew that stuff was brutal. He apologized for
the nurse not telling me that when she called in the prescription for me
(at almost 11 weeks pregnant).
Now that I have not taken that nasty stuff for almost 2 weeks, I feel much better considering.
So where am I now? I have definitely gotten over the shock of it and have moved onto accepting it. The realization has hit full force that I AM pregnant. Joy has not come yet. Being nauseous all day, every day for the better part of 9+ weeks can do that I suppose. I have had moments of joy when I talk to friends about it who are WAY more excited for me to be pregnant than I am. Those moments of joy have felt good. Hopefully joy will fully come when I reach a week of no puking. Maybe. It's been a few days since the royal throne and I have had a "date". Here's to hoping for joy to come.
I don't feel ready to add another child to our family. We did/do want four children. Just not yet. Shiloh is still my baby. I am not ready to split my time even more with each child, especially with Shiloh. I feel like I am robbing her of time with me. Precious time. Time that I can't get back once it's gone. Time that is already split in some many different directions. Time with my husband (who has had to take on so much more with me not feeling well), time with Mason, time with Cooper, time with Shiloh, time for my school work, time for my busy youth calling at church, time for spiritual things, time for me, oh wait, what's that last one? Time for me? Yeah, sadly, I don't get much, if any of that. Does any mom really get enough of that? I would say no. We always fill our time with other things, other people. Good causes I assure you, but do we ever fill our time with a little me time? I for one don't.
I know that someday all of this split time will pay off. Someday my house will be empty and it will be just Jeff and I. I will have way more me time than I could have ever bargained for. I am not wishing for that day to come any time soon. I love having our kids around. I love snuggling with each of them on the couch, under a blanket, watching the same kids shows over and over. I love when Mason comes up out of no where and gives me a big hug and kiss. I love when Cooper looks over at me and gives me a big smile. I love watching Shiloh as she learns new things daily. I love hearing one of the boys randomly say "I love you".
The saying that the days go by slow, but the years pass quickly is so true. I hate that. I hate that so much. I hate not being able to stop time for a while to just enjoy my kids without worrying about their futures, worrying about them growing up too fast.
I know that once this baby comes I will be excited. I will be over joyed. I will love him or her and wonder what I ever did with out them. I know I will adjust. I will learn to split my time even more. I may not like it, but I will learn.
